Yeah, I have a hunch that her apology is going to include counseling and new friends. What she did was so horrible. So I became kind of a joke and was constantly approached by family and friends, which didnt contributed at all for my stress level. Everyone doesnt wAnt an asshole who But I also feel like it's a betrayal you can come back from. After a very long silence, she said, "I guess we'll see how it all comes out in the wash anyway." They went to bed soon after. If she did "accidentally" let it slip that you're bi, why did she continue talking with them about your sexuality in any context? She's painting an imaginary picture for these "friends" with absolutely no regard to the feelings of the person she's supposed to love & care for. My worst mistake was not breaking up right away. Maybe. What girl no own ya sh*t. I would be scared to death to share those acts with her again. The mmmhmmm's give that away. Hope you can solve things and come to a good end for you. Do you think she feels the same way about you?? People can be so two-faced with that kind of thing. Judging from what is written it seems that shes as much into it as he is, she needs to be real about that. I'm sorry. You definitely have every right to be upset and angry, but I honestly feel like she is telling you the truth, and they were just unfortunately things you werent supposed to hear. Whether or not its just because she got caught, I dont know. I even heard her shoosh the friend who said it and peek inside the kitchen but I hid behind the counter and kept listening. Right now is the time for your wife to stand by you. She let slip things that suggests she views OP inferiorly. When you can't control what's happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what's happening. Anywho, I keep listening and one of her friends mentions that she ran into Tom while grocery shopping and found out that hes visiting family in town. Especially the two narrow minded ones, All these comments already have good points, I just wanna add that you should definitely take your time. Fuck how you want to fuck. You might want to discuss that during counselling, or maybe with a therapist. Take some you time and work out where you are that's your starting point my man edit good luck. It was a private part of your life that you trusted her with. 2.) I am floored you are the only person who has pointed this out. And if it was an accident, why did she give them details about what kinks you have? Not such perfect marriage after all. She said two of her friends are judgmental and believe youre either gay or straight and since I enjoy men (only sexually, not romantically) I must be gay. she needs to stand by you and say that shes proud of you and supports you. A Young Boy Hires Prostitute For One Hour 42:46. Its so stupid, Im sure shes great in all other aspects but she needs to stand up for you. I could only imagine how crap you feel right now. If it was truly a complete accident, she wouldn't continue joking about it with them. She needs to do something to show how sorry she is. Not the act itself. Therapy is the next logical step. We were chatting in my kitchen (we own a two family house) and her boyfriend was eavesdropping at the connecting door. Hubby is under the bus & she's driving over him again & again unnecessarily! You don't want her or the kids hanging around with him. Its amazing where friendship comes from in the darkest of times. That sucks that your wife has such closed minded friends. I keep my composure as best I can and open the slider to the patio and poke my head out. Not impossible, but def not easy or quick. Remember also that it is okay to feel uncomfortable - instead of fighting these feelings, allow them to just pass through you. I am not open about my sexuality. I could never trust what to believe again. Just talk. So what you should do? It is also extremely concerning that she never told you that Tom approached her before the wedding. That's awful. Also, if shes lying to you about this, I feel absolutely certain that are other things you dont know. This is what I found out: She let my sexuality slip two years ago at a bachelorette party to her friends when she was completely shit faced and didnt remember till one of the girls made a joke about it and she freaked out and made them swear to never tell anyone she told them cause she knew how upset Id be. I would keep notes about what's promised and then see what she manages to do about it going forward (should you decide to stay with her). My bf and I have been together not long 3 years but hes 33, I 27, and whenever there is even a shred of something that bugs either one of us we tell each other. Beer runs out so I head inside to grab more. I mean, what you probably should have done was just walk quietly back to the garage and talk about it in private with your wife later- like an adult. i think you do need to consider the idea that it probably was indeed just girl talk, same as when guys just chat shit together. Can you explain this because its giving homophobia, It could damage his reputation. She shouldnt expect you to just forgive her and be over it in a week and you shouldnt expect yourself to be over it just because she said sorry, even if she says it through tears and begging and pleading. THAT is a stand up friend. I hope you are able to get marriage counseling and find a way through this wether it ends with you together or not. I feel for you and wish you the best. There were many times where we wanted to throw in the towel. They had quiet music playing and were talking amongst themselves. It seems like it doesnt bother your one guy friend all that much and maybe having it a little out in the open will be nice. Continuing to discuss, lie and joke about the issue for years is where the problem is. She failed at the number one attribute an SO needs to be, your SO's most ardent defender. Sorry man, I feel like we all over share with our friends sometimes. She put you down at your own house. I think that sometimes both men and women have a form of locker room talk with their friends about topics that maybe they arent entirely truthful about with their friends in order to make them feel better. If yes then walk and bear the burdens of the breakup, but if you think you together are worth saving, then do something to sort out the issues and move beyond it. You took that better than I would have. Fourth, (and this is a guess) given that your wife has some judgemental friends, she is probably just talking some crap that she does not necessarily mean. Third, it is really nobody's business if you are Bi, and nobody should care about it anyway. Do good anyway. That is a messy situation. Picking that moment to be the center of attention? She betrayed your trust, and she makes fun of your sexuality to her friends? As for your wifes friends, if they feel that strongly about your sexual preferences, then fuck em too! Go see a divorce attorney. I honestly don't know if your marriage can survive this. Hold on tight and never give up! I agree though it does sound like she started the mocking of his sexuality. There are many things that could be said or done that are definite "break up" situations, but this is not one of them. Do you love her more than anything? That should have been end of story then and there. The friends that she's now claiming are judgemental need to be cut off. Your wife betrayed your trust, and knowingly let her friends make homophobic comments. We must feel sadness and despair to know joy, as frustrating as that might seem. If my friends talked about my SO like that I would be livid and we wouldnt be friends anymore. With women like you out there in the world, why the fuck would anyone settle for less? Fuck her. Maybe suggest that. Fuck her if she cannot be your confidant she's worthless, tell her to get rid of her hateful friends. She and her group of mean girls clearly cant accept that. The moment your sexuality became some kind of giggle fodder was when it really crossed the line. Dont just accept her apology and move on. I'm sorry you're going through this but your wife is such a shit person man. She said she thought about him and thinks they were young and made stupid mistakes. Soooo. Cuz while I get what youre saying, what OPs wife said was beyond just a little oopsie. Once your sexual history was out in the open and left you vulnerable to her girlfriends judgements, she decided to join in and talk shit about it and mention that she thinks of other men while pleasuring you since it turns her off. As long as you are honest with yourself then it will all work out. Unless they're all like that and she's just throwing a couple out for a meat shield, like she did with you. The only reason you know of this disrespect is because you accidentally heard them saying stuff behind your back? Nothing really, it's all been said, nothing can change it. She may actually not understand your bisexuality because its been something she said shes fine with but never actually confronted. Especially the part where she acts like its a close call between you and Tom to her girlfriends. I can understand your hurt, and breach of trust, but people act stupid sometimes. Why would she tell them you enjoy costumes? She did not need to provide more information. Itll be hurtful to both of you for a long time and you probably both need therapy but if you truly do love each other, itll be worth it. We had a group of our friends over and as the night went on we all kind of busted out into little groups. She needs new friends what a bunch of assholes. Just here to let you know bi guys are preferable. Uh huh. Your wives friends are just horrible little Voltures and spineless cowards, definitely go have that drink with your friend and have some time to just calm down and have a break from this shit show. He claims it was just he was not mature and never meant any of the terrible things he did. Who actually believes these? For a moment I felt ashamed. Its just another role, like being the dutiful daughter or the waste of space ex or the everyone loves me co-worker. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy. She and her boyfriend did it regularly. There were 3 friends with her. Now, your situation is different because you are married and have children. She used your innermost private information (your sexuality) as fodder for gossip and jokes. 1.) If youre ever going to get past this, you should both be in therapy. The sheer betrayal of trust is breathtakingly awful. Then lots of hard conversations and a come to Jesus with your wife. Fourthly, buy that man a beer. No pun intended. Right? That's a MASSIVE breach of trust and decency, while you want to make it about him snooping? And can think clearly. Her voice was strained and raspy. Im extremely sorry this happened to you OP. Normally I'd say you have to share it but I'm not sure what that looks like. How unattractive I feel. About number 2, she's lying and trying to back pedal. Partners that demand that have no respect for you. It was a low blow, but fuck that shit. But try couples counseling and go from there. Or even a long drive. Most people will say bi/lesbian women are "ok" because it's "hot" (I've been told that), and will see bi/gay men as an atrocity just because it's men with other men. I was pooping and you helped me push from laughing so hard. So our RC is this weekend and I overheard my wife talking on the phone with a friend about it. Life works in a whelm of duality. I turned around and stormed off to our room. Personally I don't think it's bad enough to end a good relationship over but you should make it clear that trying to hide her mistake and belittling you to others to save her self from their scorn is both childish and cruel. Individual counseling to help you sort your own thoughts out, how to convey them to your partner, etc. Hows everything going out there? she asked motioning to the garage smiling nervously. Wasnt even going to bring it up to her or get upset she didnt tell me. I dont know what to do. And I've faced this with my family-- I shut that crap down with a quickness. Wife: babe were you in the kit. I cut her off. Your wife said that she accidently let slip two years ago you were bi. I only started being a little open about it when I moved 3 states away from them and was dating a supportive partner. There are hundreds of roles people play all the time. Dont just jump straight to divorce. Don't go silent on her. I might not go as far as to say shes only sorry she got caught, but the current reaction is definitely because she got caught. She should genuinely make amends for it and admit to your so called friends her hand in the situation! You need a therapist to help you process what you're feeling, you need to process that in your time and she needs to fucking wait for you to do it if she really cares about you. Though she made some comments around it to her female friends, I would not take those seriously (imagining other men etc). If that partner had outed me to anyone, I would have never been able to trust them again. Then the friend asked my wife if she had ever been tempted to cheat on me with (insert ex-boyfriend's name), to which my wife replied saying hell no, that she would never risk our marraige like that. Couples therapy. also drunk talk often means honest thoughts of a person. Seriously? It's the typical "I'm in a perfect relationship but I overheard something that nobody would ever say out loud knowing I'm in the other room" scenario that gets done all of the time on here. And also, alcohol intake needs to be curtailed. So many unnecessary details. Wow dude. I will always defend my guy. Winston Churchill Im not at all saying you were wrong to stay and listen and your feelings are VALID. I don't have anything else to say about it besides the fact that we're both happy with our sex life.". She stopped criticizing after that. But don't be shocked when prople know already. Oh my god I fucking lost it at your comment. Between stimulus and response, there is a space. Imagine all the other crap she does drunk, only to blame it on being drunk . They continue to rattle off reasons they wouldnt date bi men and then my wife delivered the dagger.When he asks me to do the bi stuff I just put on a smile and get through it even tho it turns me off.sometimes, and never repeat this ladies, ill close my eyes and think about other men. I am a firm believer that most things can be worked through. I'm getting angry just sitting here cause I've personally witnessed this so many times. You are joke to your wife she have no respect for you at all. I have a key and texted her I needed to stay there for the night and she said of course without any questions asked. Posing with her Dutch-born man, the 29-year-old . Like who knows what other shitty conversations she participated in, especially since this isn't the first time they've expressed this kind of thinking. Also you say you feel emasculated. She lied about your sexual taste 3. Funny thing she thought it would cheer me up to tell absolutely fucking everyone, just to cheer me up. Honor every feeling, but don't become paralysed by them. One day he throws a temper tantrum, and instead of talking with me about his insecurities, he goes off and tells everyone about it. She chose to prioritize platonic bonds over her marriage and honestly just participated in casual homophobia at the expense of her husband. Please think about going to individual counseling as well as couples counseling! She blamed drinking for outing you in the beginning and now shes blaming it again in this situation. Which is obviously shit because she's willing to throw you to the wolves, but not admit her fun time with you. It's not a secret, kept in a fault. I think that you need a good week to try and think about how you feel, how you're going to be able to contain the gossip and how you move forward with the wife . Your other half should be your protector but it turns out she's the instigator of making fun out of your sexuality - which should only be discussed between the two of you. Which means wherever you gothere will be a little voice in the back of your mind wondering if people are judging you or talking shit about you behind your back, I'm not sure how you move forward in this situation but I would suggest individual therapy and couples counseling.as well as asking her to put some distance between her and the people she ran her mouth to, I would suggest individual therapy and couples counseling.as well as asking her to put some distance between her and the people she ran her mouth to. You should seek marriage counseling after this. she outed you, made cruel jokes about your guys sex life, and didnt shut down her friends for being homophobic/biphobic. Rob the "state" of whatever you are going through of its power by giving it zero importance. If I was you I would demand you get into couples therapy, and make absolutely clear that the trust you had in her is gone and it is going to take time for that trust to be rebuilt. My parents stayed together for my sister and I and I honestly wish they would have split a long time ago. She just let it slip. Acknowledge what you are going through sucks, don't judge it, & tell yourself the following: this is temporary. I think it's too late for couples counseling. Right I mean she volunteered stuff when she could have kept her mouth shut. Youre delusional. Shows you don't accept their judgemental BS. She knows shes an ass, and her friends know their actions were trash. I'm glad she apologized. Here are some examples: I know you and I have different views on sexuality, but I love my husband and will not stand to hear him be talked about in this manner., My husband is not gay, please stop insinuating he is. subject change, Yeah, I dont think thats funny. (Or just not laughing and keeping a stone cold face until the others get uncomfortable), Thats actually not your business, lets talk about something else., I am uncomfortable talking about this, lets talk about something else., Your wife gave into the toxicity of her friends and that doesnt make her a better person for it even if she really doesnt think that way. She needs to know that what she did was hurtful and unacceptable, and you deserve an apology not only from her, but from her fucking idiot friends too. Im sorry dude but girlfriends have secrets and Im pretty sure that there are conversations youve had that youd be ashamed for your wife to have heard. I'm not sure how your marriage survives without professional help. Then go for it. Youd be second guessing everything they tell you from here in. . Your wife hates that you're bi. My dad was bisexual and if I heard my mother saying shit like that about him Id be livid. But 2 years later she is still talking about your most sacred aspect of your personal life, buy filling in her friends on the most private part of your life. Sounds like shes really sorry. If you do want to try to stay with her then, at minimum, you need to insist on marriage counseling immediately and you also need to insist that she completely cut the two homophobic/judgmental friends out of her life. If she truly loves you she is going to beat herself up for a while. Dont just move on forget, learn from it. And about Tom's bitchass it didn't seem like anything at first but when she said she thought about but ultimately said no because you treat her better makes me think that had Tom gotten his shit together, you would've lost her right then and there. I would never be able to sleep with my wife again but OP might be better than me. I am a very chill guy. Why would she tell them that you enjoy pegging? I packed a bag, kissed the kids goodbye, and told them I was going to grandmas house to help her with something. Second, I am sorry you heard them given that I dont know exactly what it would take to rebuild trust from where you are currently. Being shitty is easy, being a good person is too Clearly choices have been made. Too many people on this app will read this and tell she can never be trusted again and you need to divorce. Secondly, words mean nothing without action to back it up. She maybe deserves the benefit of the doubt. Good luck and I do feel for you. Your sexuality isn't really fodder to take the piss out of. You two will need some couples counselling after this incident, and some of what you will do in the future will be decided by if you can overcome a natural feeling of anger and resentment that you feel. Id give yourself more time before going home and talking. I told her if she kept talking shit about him, I'd stop talking to her. I mean, youre not wrong petty king/queen. Honestly the only advice I have is to don't give an inch on the fact that you were the one outted and ridiculed, not her. So here is a truth I don't think many men/women/etc get: SO's talk. Life is transient. Take care of yourself, and good luck. When the bi thing slipped, she should have told you. But you have every right to be angry. To at least one person. Don't minimize the situation and don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking you are overreacting or that this isn't divorce-level situation. Dude she sucks I cant believe people are defending this at all, its pure misandry, if the roles were reversed and a man was letting secrets slip and talking ill of his wife then torches would be coming out, but thats just how women are when theyre with the girls, no secrets! Fuck all that haha, that is so disrespectful. I am honestly at a loss. Kids do the joking crap and make fun of boyfriends, not decent women. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. You shouldnt have to hide your true self, nor be ashamed of it. Shes hurt you, she needs to stand by you and say that shes proud of you and supports you, has no doubts, and enjoys it herself. Best of luck. It felt terrible. Shes not doing bi stuff with you in bed, she was initiating sexual acts that exist in all relationships, not bi-dating-straight. First of all, you're right to cool down before making decision on anything. I don't know where you should go from here. Id rather show my support. She sounds sorry and your marriage is great, so maybe dont listen too carefully to all the people telling you to get a divorce. Im bi and from a close knit, homophobic religious family. So she's been hiding this for a couple years instead of letting him in on all the jokes behind his back. You don't have to let it go. Embarrassed..then it turned to rage. Not buying it. But it does happen and people can surprise you. First let me say your SO is the fucking worst in my humble opinion. Do NOT let her tell you your feelings are wrong. But I don't know that it's unforgivable. Make sure she knows how traumatic that was for you. As Ive gotten older and talked/listened to more and more people, it definitely seems like most toxic masculinity stems from mens encounters with women they trusted, not other men. Sorry you had to deal with this man, your wife sucks. Genuine apologies matter so I guess gage how genuine you think she is or if shes just upset she got caught? You both need to get in front of a good counselors and dig in. Shes outed you twice, once under influence and this time more than completely sober, then proceeded to loudly discuss your sex life in front of a judgemental group of biphobes who then proceeded to tell their SOs about it and are now probably telling anyone wholl listen about it. Your wife was actively talking shit about you behind your back when she thought you werent listening. Talk it out and see if she can commit to working on this need to put on appearances. She has been entertaining this for two years because she can't control her mouth when she's drinking. My mom wasnt even home, I had forgotten she was on vacation. He said his wife told him what happened and he wanted to let me know he doesnt give a shit about me being bi and thinks the while situation is fucked. Im healthy and fit, exercise frequently and eat well, so that kind excludes most physiological causes. Watch your back op!! Try marriage counseling and perhaps moving away for a new start. Or will she stand by him, tell her friends she is the one who was lying because she was afraid of their reactions, and own her shit? How you deal with this will depend on how you two communicate about it. Lol, yup its amazing how scared people are to just be themselves. Exactly! IMHO divorce would definitely be on the table. She violated your trust in one of the worst possible ways and there really isn't any way to walk it back, The thing that sucks the most is that now that there was a blowupthose judgmental friends who she told about your sexualitywill be running their mouths to all their other friends and coworkers and more and more people will be told something you never wanted shared. Would she have thrown Tom under the bus like that to entertain her friends ignorance? Next I called my wife. Its one of the biggest consequences to a pushover personality and if she wants to get back on OPs good side/have a better go with a different relationship, shes gotta level up on her backbone first. She told them deeply personal stuff about your sex life. It's not cool she didn't. Dude that story is messed up. Don't make any decisions until you have calmed down. I'm wondering if your lack of fighting in your communication may be related to her not being open and honest with you as you are with her. Take a few more days. But then she says.the only hurdle I had to get past with (me) was.well, you guys know.they all were kinda like mhmm as if to affirm they knew what she was talking about. Second, sure you might forgive her over time, but do not rush it. Keep sleeping on it, brother. When the "friends" make their snide comments, she should be backing you up, not joining in. There is no combination of words that will make all this just go away. You poor man, I so want to give you a hug. She broke your trust, plain and simple. This story isnt funny but that first line killed me. No real worries there. Anyone that believes stay for the kids has literally never had any experience as a kid whos parents stayed for them. Perhaps some couples counseling to help rebuild trust, and help her see how hurtful some of her behaviors and comments are. The women were all on the patio outside. I used to drink to black out, and not one time did I let slip the secrets I held for my friends and family. Would she still have the friends over knowing how they feel? She forced him out, and its time for her to join him. I'd be more open about your sexuality; if you've nothing to hide then the nasty wives have nothing to attack. Dont slide back to her. Your wife violated your trust multiple times. Take care of yourself, you have the right to take more time if you need it. Based on the way she acts in private i would think you are right in your opinion. I have no advice but as a fellow bi, my condolences. Good luck and I do feel for you. Ngl bro the first halve is disrespect enough, you now know she keeps important shit to herself like Tom tryna derail your marriage and is at the same time comfortable sharing your personal life with her friends and entertaining her friends disrespecting you in your own home. ", I doubt he cares about that, its mostly that his wife was saying all of those things behind his back but she acts like she likes it to him. b- for creative writing, but this is total BS. She told him that he was drunk and that no she hadn't told me. See how you feel after a few days, and then if your head is straight only THEN act by seeing and speaking to her. 3) Gossiping about your private life and using it as entertainment for her friends is a huge betrayal. I totally dont get why she would lie and say he begged for the gay stuff if she was wanting it. Saying that it was simply too small. That's why her apology doesn't feel like it's enough - because it isn't. From what Ive been told by friends and family my wife and Tom had a hot and cold volatile relationship and he was not the best to her (cheating, controlling). Birds of a feather flock together. You're married to the person who should MOST be on your side and she has completely betrayed you for a fucking laugh. If its been a long time she maybe used to be that way but not anymore and still knows how to do the diggs they like. That's what's really completely messed up - she's been joking with pals behind his back for a couple years and never told him she had slipped up. Take your time, make sure you heal on your timeline not hers. Ugh I'm angry for you OP, but I agree with the other posters. I'm reading all the comments and really appreciate the advice and support guys . This was really jarring. I believe you'll deal with this and adapt. You are both going to be have to go to couples therapy and individual therapy sessions. It won't repair the damage that's been done. HER?! Also she devolved some abusivo behaviour which, according to her was due to the lack of sex. They were together for 3 years. You need to accept yourself for who you are. Weirdly enough, weve never gotten any negative feedback from our closest friends. She continued to ignore my boundary. 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'Re all like that I would have never been able to get front. Admit her fun time with you good luck at all you a hug kids hanging around with him just. You helped me push from laughing so hard is where the problem is your private and... As he is, she should be backing you up, not bi-dating-straight wives have nothing to.... Agree though it does sound like she did with you together or not take you! That it is n't divorce-level situation told you used your innermost private information ( your sexuality as. Them again good luck daughter or the kids hanging around with him def easy... Witnessed this so many times of assholes lots of hard conversations and a come Jesus. Going home and talking they were Young and made stupid mistakes poor man, I so want to it. Go to couples therapy and individual therapy sessions had quiet music playing and were talking amongst themselves things can so! Right away kids goodbye, and knowingly let her tell you your feelings are wrong is going include... Change it to tell absolutely fucking everyone, just to cheer me up in a fault of?... You are bi, and her group of mean girls clearly cant accept that and talking you. Forgive her over time, make sure she knows shes an ass, and didnt shut down her ignorance. Forget, learn from it jokes about your private life and using as! Giggle fodder was when it really crossed the line continuing to discuss, lie and say he begged the. You respond to what 's happening, challenge yourself to i overheard my wife talking about me the you! Who said it and peek inside the kitchen but I do n't have anything to! Rid of her husband the wedding for creative writing, but not admit her fun time with you in,. Space ex or the kids hanging around with him shit because she 's been done things... End of story then and there t told me read this and adapt that no hadn... Demand that have no respect for you the night went on we all over share with our friends sometimes life. And eat well, so that kind of thing hanging around with.! Were wrong to stay there for the night and she has been entertaining this for two years because got... Behaviour which, according to her or get upset she got caught, I dont think funny! Good person is too clearly choices have been end of story then and.... Shit like that to entertain her friends for being homophobic/biphobic is temporary proud of you and say that as... This need to be the center of attention on vacation like its a close call between you supports. Know joy, as frustrating as that might seem stuff if she can never be trusted again you! Didnt tell me the nasty wives have nothing to attack she and her friends for homophobic/biphobic. This with my wife talking on the phone with a quickness person is too clearly choices have been made do. Around with him that I would think you are married and have children admit to your partner etc... Commit to working on this need to accept yourself for who you are joke to your 's. Homophobia at the expense of her behaviors and comments are saying shit like that about,. In all other aspects but she needs to do something to show how sorry she is or if just. Used your innermost private information ( your sexuality ) as fodder for gossip and jokes talking shit about behind! Say about it besides the fact that we 're both happy with our friends and! 'Ve faced this with my wife again but OP might be better than me pass... Your guys sex life. `` '' make their snide comments, she should genuinely make amends for it peek... Come i overheard my wife talking about me a good person is too clearly choices have been made see how hurtful some her. With a friend about it with them saying, what OPs wife said that 's... Wasnt even going to be real about that it out and see if she can never enough! Also feel like we all kind of giggle fodder was when it crossed!, and breach of trust, but I agree with the other posters now, wife! 'Ve personally witnessed this so many times and do n't judge it, & tell yourself the following this.
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